Every year an event occurs that is so awe-inspiring, so grand in scale an entire nation stops and watches as athletes battle for bragging rights, forging memories that will endure in the nation’s collective memory for years to come. But WrestleMania isn’t until April, so until then we’ll have to settle for the Super Bowl.
Super Bowl XLVI (or 46, for those who can’t be bothered to know Roman numerals) has come and gone, leaving a trail of confetti in Indianapolis’s Lucas Oil Stadium and ground-in Cheeto dust in living room carpets across America. While it may not hold as much meaning to those that love wrestling as ‘Mania, it certainly has its place in the nation’s lexicon. It has adapted over the years to seamlessly incorporate American football, girls in skimpy outfits and celebration of consumerism, making it basically the most American thing ever. In fact, the past Super Bowl set a U.S. ratings record with 111.3 million viewers, giving Roger Goodell assurance that he controls more people’s minds than a North Korean megalomaniac.
Look in my eyes, what do you see? A guy with an assload of money.
But what if we made it more familiar? 99% of what goes on in WWE is planned out before hand (the other 1% can be seen on Botchamania), so what if the Super Bowl were the same way? Certainly nothing seems to be out of the question before, during or after the game anyway, so why not go the whole hog with it? The Super Bowl is an event co-ordinated by thousands of individuals with millions of dollars at their disposal. Here is my attempt to out-do every last one of them.
Timeline of events:
4:00PM – Bob Costas talks to Tony Dungy and whatever recently-retired NFL player they have this year about the upcoming game. They play up the storyline threat Eli Manning is fighting for the Super Bowl title against his older brother Peyton’s rival, Tom Brady, in Peyton’s home stadium. Fifeteen minutes is spent on this storyline with numerous video packages shown about it throughout the show. You know, just in case we didn’t see it the first 12 times.
4:30PM – Interviews with players and coaches. Tom Coughlin gives a three-minute-long speech about how “it’s gonna take a lot more than secretive videotaping to stop us” and that he’s coming for Bill Belichick. Belichick responds by looking greasy and scowling.
5:00PM – Cut to outside the stadium where fans are enjoying the various recreational activities set up outside the stadium. A nameless NBC sideline reporter is talking about these things like it’s the most intense thing ever over shots of a girl getting her face painted and a kid adorably failing at a carnival-style football toss game.
Seriously, how the fuck do you miss THIS?
5:15PM – Inspirational video package about a Seahawks fan battling Parkinson’s disease. He sets up a charity to aid the fight against his affliction. His favorite player somehow gets involved with the charity and they meet up (bonus points if the player gives the fan an autographed jersey, which may presumably be sold on eBay later for money towards the charity). Video package ends. Cut to crowd applauding, with at least half doing so because they don’t want to be known as “ the asshole that didn’t applaud the Parkinson’s guy”.
5:30PM - Anti-bullying campaign featuring NFL players, encouraging everyone to “Be A Star”.
5:32PM – Interview with Patriots running back Danny Woodhead in which Dan Patrick calls him a vanilla midget.
What a nerd.
5:50PM – Getting close to game time. Predictions by all the analysts on the winner of the game and, for whatever reason, an interview with President Barack Obama. I’m not sure why either.
6:15PM – Pre-game ceremonies. The Walter Payton Man of the Year award is awarded to the one player in the NFL that didn’t attempt to rake someone’s eyes at the bottom of a pile-up.
6:20PM – Renditions of America The Beautiful and the Star-Spangled Banner are performed by whoever won The Voice this past year. Accompanying him/her is the winner from America’s Got Talent. This is followed by an ad for Papa John’s featuring the cast of 30 Rock with cameos by Dwight from The Office and Jay Leno from The Tonight Show.
6:29 –Coin flip “happened in the locker room” so no need to have one here, right? Patriots kick off.
6:30 to 8:15 – First half. Commentators spend the entirety of it talking about storylines and implications of either team winning instead of focusing on the freaking game being played in front of them. Wrestling fans feel “right at home”.
8:15 – First half ends with the Giants up by three. Halftime show performed by some blonde that walks like a ruptured duck who was popular in the 80’s.
Too easy?
8:45 – Second half begins. Blatant penalties are commited by both teams, all of which go unnoticed by the referees, who are busy warning the players on the sidelines to stay there. Players claim they weren’t thinking of running onto the field, saying that any sport that allows that without immediate disqualification cannot possibly exist. Referees say that they’re “on to them”.
9:50: Final minutes of fourth quarter. The Patriots, who are up by less than a touchdown, make a “tactical move” by letting the Giants score a touchdown.
Wait, that actually happened? That’s fucking stupid.
9:55 – Patriots fail to score on last drive of game, meaning the Giants win by a score of 21-17. Commentators note that Eli Manning is now 2-0 at the Super Bowl, prompting fans to raise the question if his streak will ever be broken and, if so, by whom.
10:05 – Trophy presentation. Eli Manning is presented with the MVP award. He is halfway through his interview with Bob Costas when Brett Favre rushes the stage and punches him in the face, claiming he got a text from Commissioner Goodell to “stick the winner”.
No word on whether or not Brett responded by sending Goodell a picture of his genitals.
